Since I am lacking in a life, I started watching some 90s cartoons this past weekend. As I watched, I recalled something I read on Cracked.com (shameless plug) a little while back. It was an article about how everybody on the Cartoon Network show Ed, Edd, and Eddy is dead, and that the cul-de-sac in which they "live" is purgatory. I thought it was ridiculous. But, the more you think about it, the more sense it makes.

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First off, each character represents a different period in American history: Rolf was an immigrant farm boy from the early 1900s who was killed by an animal. Jimmy was a lonely poor kid from the "Fuck the Poor" 1920s who died of a sickness for which iphis family was unable to afford treatment. Eddy was a 30s con artist trying to make a quick buck during the Depression. He drowned running away from a bunch of kids he scammed. Ed and Sarah were typical 50s children: Sarah nice and innocent, Ed reclusive and obsessed with monster movies and sci-fi. How they were killed is hard to ascertain, so let's go withcar crash. That seems reasonable. Nazz was a 70s flower child who was, well, let's just say her death was not exactly PG. She is the only character whose parents supposedly died with her, but she has shut out memory of them in the afterlife, explaining why she is the only kid who never receives demands from her parents. Edd was the child of yuppie parents in the 80s, career types who had no time for their son, leaving instructions written on Post-it notes throughout their house, which stay with Edd in purgatory. He was killed when one of his science experiments goes awry, and literally explodes in his face. He dies in the hospital after doctors attempt to save him, and he is scalpedby the explosion. This explains the sock-like hat he always wears, and why we never see his head in the show's run. Kevin live in a tough neighborhood in south LA in the 90s, and was beaten to death by his alcoholic stepfather. In the afterlife, he envisions a perfect father who showered him with gifts in order to shut out the memory of his piece of shit dad from his life on Earth. Finally, Jimmy was always a sickly, secluded child who died after a long battle with leukemia in 2001.

Grim, huh? This explains why all of the children have weird-colored tongues and skin tones, like corpses do.

But wait, destroyer! What about the Kankers! And Eddy's brother in the movie? I'm getting to that, hypothetical reader. Be patient.

This is where it gets tricky. Supposedly, the Kankers Sisters, three teenagers who torments the Eds and the other kids, are demons sent from Hell to torture them. Isn't that nice? They are the only characters who have normal pink tongues, like non-dead people do.

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Finally, Eddy's brother, who is referenced throughout the show but is only seen in the movie, has the bizarre tongue and skin tone, but never appears in the cul-de-sac. Why? Because the only time he is seen, the Eds are visiting him in Hell. This coincides with being the only time they leave their neighborhood, i.e. purgatory.